The last time I wrote, I promised to keep up with the blog and my journey through seminary. Clearly, that has not happened. I had the best of intentions, but if I’m being honest…I just couldn’t do it. Oh, I thought about it several times, even started a couple of posts, but I just couldn’t bring myself to ever follow through…here’s why…
I went to seminary thinking I would get answers to all of my theological and religious questions; the reality is I’ve only accumulated more. I went to seminary believing I was prepared for the rigors of graduate level studies. The painful truth is I was totally unprepared and ill equipped to deal with the emotional, spiritual and physical impact seminary has had on me. While it might seem I’m complaining, let me assure you I am not. I love seminary and I love this journey I’m on…It’s just…well…hard.
It’s a lot to process, take in, absorb, reflect upon, sit with, wrestle with and ultimately let go of. The questions are never ending, the losses too numerous to count. The triumphs are sweet and the missteps are hard to swallow.
I’ve had a couple of dear friends and classmates say in the last weeks, “I didn’t expect seminary to be so lonely.” Yes, in the midst of it al, the painful realization sets in that this is a journey ultimately one must take alone. Sure I have friends, classmates and family who are praying, supporting and encouraging me, but at the end of the day…I am like Nicodemus, creeping off to Christ in the middle of the night, looking for answers. The answers to my questions, the hope for my heartache and the promise of my future can only come through Christ.
I do believe it might be helpful to post some of the questions I have or am currently wrestling with. These might be new to you or they might not be of any concern to you at all, but they’ve taken up residence in my head and my heart…
- When does a church become a church? If the answer is “when two or three are gathered”, what about that gathering constitutes church?
- People often say, “We had CHURCH!” What made it church? Why was it so special and why doesn’t it happen all the time? Is it God’s issue or ours?
- How does my faith impact my ethics?
- Is service without evangelism really service to others?
- When church’s serve in their community, why do they wear shirts with the church’s logo? Are they advertising their church or their God? Does this cheapen the act of service? I wonder how those being served view this…do they resent the passive aggressive advertising or do they see it as such?
- Why do so many people like to think about Jesus as, “my boyfriend” who is all about love and peace, but struggle with God as a parent who also disciplines and requires obedience?
- Transformation vs. Transfiguration?
- What is discipleship? Can it be put into a model or program?
- How does the Holy Spirit work in our daily lives?
- How does the Holy Spirit work in the life of the church?
- Do we even think about the Holy Spirit anymore? Why or why not?
- Do we need to invite the Holy Spirit in or is the Spirit always there?
- The gender or genderlessness of God. What should we call God?
- Can churches ever be too politically correct?
- What is the role of women in church leadership? Why are so many people uncomfortable with this issue.
- LGBT…sin or not?
- LGBT role in the leadership of the church?
- Triune God? How does that work?
- Did/does God suffer?
- When did Jesus know he was divine?
- Pantheism vs. Panentheism?
- How can I offer generous listening?
- Is the God of Islam the same as the God of Jews and Christians?
- Is there a line in which we should not cross in sharing our faith?
- How much of an indigenous culture should be incorporated to the Christian faith? Should any of it?
I have full confidence that reflecting, processing and wrestling with these questions will make me a better equipped and prepared pastor. I also know that in the search for answers to these questions the greatest joy of my life has occurred…I have discovered God in new and glorious ways! In letting go of my preconceived, embedded notions and ideas and searching for how God would have me reflect and respond to these questions, I have come to know myself and my creator in deeper and greater ways. I do not know the answers to many, and perhaps will never have clarity on some, but I am learning to live in the tension of the unknown. I am learning to sit with my questions, to just “be” with them, try them on for a while and see what insights and revelations God brings. It is an extraordinary and humbling place to be…and I’m loving it!
Seminary Life... 